Below is a 5 Step Method for Increased EQ and listening to hidden dimensions below uncomfortable emotions. I created this process to make it easier to use the wisdom of multiple researchers.
1. Name the Emotion or Feeling with specificity. If needed, use a feeling wheel. I usually start on the inside of a feeling wheel and work outwards. According to Dr. Gloria Wilcox when we name emotions with specificity we can better process and digest experiences.
2. Name the Sensations in the Body. Try to use sensation oriented words (i.e. temperature, tingling, contraction, expansion, tension, desire to move away, toward or against etc.). According to Dr. Peter Levine, when we feel sensations slowly and intentionally – we allow our nervous system to settle.
3. Uncover the Story (and distortions) that recycle the emotions and sensations. What is the thought loop and how does it fuel the emotion? If possible notice the story with detachment and just feel the emotion all the way through for 90 seconds. Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor a Harvard trained Neuroscientist discovered that if an emotion is felt without distraction for 90 seconds the nervous system will release it and close the loop. If not – it will continue to be recycled in the body or subconscious thought habits. A story may have a trauma, trigger, or cognitive distortion that keeps recycling – it is important not to act on the story. If a deeper trauma is present – it is advisable to seek professional resources.
4. Identify the Value, Need or Want/Aspiration below the storyline. If possible, notice the emotions and sensations of that value or need if it were met. Below feelings and stories are usually unmet needs or desires of ourselves or of others. Identifying these helps us to take a conscious and assertive approach toward them.
5. Make a Clear Request based on the value, need or want below the surface. Invite others toward a mutual approach that aligns with the values, needs or aspirations. If a request is not possible with others, what is the request or boundary with oneself?
Example:
John is upset during a presentation and notices that people are paying attention to their phones and not listening.
1. Feeling is Anger: specific feeling is Frustrated and Annoyed
2. Sensation: Heat, tightness, closed fist, desire to move away
3. The story is: I am not respected, my time and efforts are not valued. I am not heard. This is just like when this happened in the past, no one ever respects me.
4. The need is: respect, boundaries
5. Request: Can we agree to turning off devices during the presentations?
Kind regards,
References:
Beck, A. Cognitive Distortions
Bolte-Taylor, Jill (Stroke of Insight/Whole Brain Living)
Levine. P. (Somatic Experiencing – Traumahealing.org)
Wilcox, G. (Feeling Wheel)
ACA WSO Fellowship: The Loving Parent Guidebook